Weight Loss Journey Part 5

Related Post:
Introduction: HERE
Part One: Here
Part Two: Here
Part Three: Here
Part Four: Here

.........That was the blow below the belt...even if it was above the belt....sorry...could not help myself. My greatest fear of cancer had come to pass....I was certain I was going to die.....
My grandmother, grandfather, aunt, dad, mother in law, even my precious dog of 13 years had all died of cancer and here it was knocking on my door. I know that is a horrible thing to admit, panic and assuming the worse but I was not thinking clearly. I went on line to self diagnose myself...big mistake....some of the symptoms I had experienced were right there in black and white.....I panicked....big time.....this was it....I could not imagine what I was going to tell my kids.....would I be here for their weddings?, would I ever know my grandchildren?....my heart was in dispair. Then the next fleeting thought was "I have never been to Hawaii, and now never will." Now, why in the world in the middle of a panic attach that came to mind, I will never know...but I am being honest...and that is what I thought...shameful to admit.....believe me.

It took two agonizing days to get into my gynecologist office. By that time, I was in so much pain it was unbearable....she sent me for a mammogram and a sonogram the same day. To make a long story short, I went to see a breast surgeon for a needle biopsy and it was determined the lump was benign and nothing needed to be done about it right away. I was so thankful for my husband's support but honestly, I was so pissed at the same time. I felt like he was just being nice because I thought I had cancer and thought I was going to die....how horrible is that??? He is a nice person, it has just been my perception of things that has been so off balance.....and again, it has been all his fault in my mind.

I go back to see the surgeon this month for a follow up checkup. Honestly, I think this was caused from an injury to myself by lifting something much too heavy and scraping my breast with the object.....I was mad, at my husband for not doing something the way I thought it should be done and that is what happened that day.....at least that is what I think....I caused this five alarm panic I am sure of it now.

Some family members do not even know this happened, so if you are one of them, please forgive me, I could hardly deal with it myself.....and did not want to bother anyone with this unless it was necessary. I try to protect the ones I love the most, so I keep things to myself. It is not because I don't love or care about you, it is just I could not bring myself to worry you if there was not reason in it.....and it proved to not be a reason....thank goodness.

But it took me three weeks to recover from that biopsy, it was so painful, and my mental state was just worn out....like I said before, the least little thing would send me into a tail spin and this was so hard to deal with, even when I had the results....it just wiped me out.....it should have been a wake up call....in my mind it was...but I was helpless to make any changes...in fact, my old eating habits returned, sweets were my comfort.....

If I tell you I never thought things could get worse, that is an understatement. From May, my life has been so hard, it is hard to imagine. Emotional, irrational, angry, panicked, stressed, feeling sick, tired all the time, you name it, I have felt it. I knew at the end of the summer when my husband had made two trips to Colorado and I had not gone with him either time, things were really bad.....I don't know if he realized it, but I certainly did. The things I loved no longer were important enough to leave home for. I used up all my vacation time and sick time at work to stay home....because that is were I felt safe, home with my dogs, my computer friends and cookies, chips or cake.......I can hardly imagine I let myself get like this.....when I had to, I'd put on a happy face so no one would know how bad things were. I could not help it, I could not do anything about it. I thought I was going crazy. I even tried to distract myself with quilting classes, that helped, but only for a short time.

Then....I joined facebook. Now I know you have read those sad tales, of my struggles, emotional roller coaster with that. Never did I think that this single thing would be the bridge to help me out of this funk I was in. Sure I was an emotional wreck over facebook...but I was a emotional wreck over everything in my life....I just kept it to myself. Suddenly, I was in the middle of reconnecting with people who meant so much to me a lifetime ago.....they looked wonderful, just the same as I remembered them....and I looked at myself....and I did not even recognize myself or the person I had become. I was so afraid my long ago friends would pick up on something...I have been so guarded....and so ever afraid to show a picture of myself......that was even more depressing......they looked great, and I looked so bad in my mind. I was slipping into a deeper depression by the day. My friends of long ago played such an important part in my starting this journey. They were the spark that I needed to move forward, painful as it has been. The very hope of reuniting with these friends on a more personal level was what joilted something from deep within to wake up....call it fear....call it shame.....call it embarrassment, call it whatever you want....but after 23 years of not having certain people in my life, funny how these very friends are ultimately the ones who have saved me....and they have no idea.

Then one afternoon about a month ago, I was talking about my weight with Steve. Now, I know he would like me to be slim like I used to be, but I really have not cared one way or another what he thought..Truth. Just Sayin'. Anyway, I asked him to join weight watchers with me. In order for him to not have to commit to doing that, which is so "him", he told me to go back and see my nutritionist. He would pay for it. All of it. He reminded me how that worked for me in the past, and if I would stick with it, he would pay all cost. I felt like he was just getting himself off the hook about going to weight watchers with me.....but if he would follow the diet I could eat at home, then I would give it a try once again. I made the call, got the appointment and went to pay her a visit..........to be continued

VINTAGE THINGIES THURSDAY: Buying Back My Childhood

Welcome to this weeks segment of Vintage Thingies Thursday. Thursday is the day to showcase your vintage treasures and to share your special things with everyone. If you are visiting and would like to join us, please do. It is very easy!
To participate, all you have to do is:

* * * * * * * Please everyone, follow these guidelines!

(1) do a post about something vintage.
(2) Visit all the participates and leave a comment.
(3) Link in with the link at the bottom of this post, please use a perma-link to link in with, that way, anyone can refer back to your post if they can not get to it on Thursday.
(4) Be sure to refer back to my blog so everyone can see who is participating today, and if you like include the VTT button in your post. Please be sure to have your post up before linking in.

Like I said, I am buying back my childhood....one piece at a time.....ever feel that way? About a month ago, Steve and I visited an antique mall in Canton, and I stumbled upon these dishes....these are exactly like the dishes my mom had when I was a kid. I had to have them because as all of you know....I don't have any dishes...poor me!!

Funny how a pattern of dishes, or a shape of a glass will spark a memory of long ago...that is what happened when I found these plates that day. Steve just walked to the truck and sat down....he said the last thing I needed was more dishes...I told him that was exactly what I needed.

Seriously, I can remember staring at this design trying to imagine I was in a field of flowers.....most of the time it was because I was forced to eat something I did not want...like Brussels sprouts or Broccoli....I think I thought if I stared long enough the yucky stuff would go away. True.

Now, this pattern holds a lot of nostalgia for me and a few good memories. I am sure these came from either a box of laundry soap or at a gas station as a freebie...maybe they were even at the grocery store and you could purchase a piece with a book filled with stamps. I am sure back then, the price was not much if anything...I was surprised when I looked them up on eBay, they were a little pricey....guess childhood memories come with a price these days!!

Here is the label on the back of one of the dinner plates. I got 6 large dinner plates, a platter and five little plates for $10.00 that day....I was happy.....I have seen single pieces of this pattern before at estate sales, but never picked them up because they were just one piece...
I jumped for joy....well....nearly, when I found these glasses sitting on a shelf at Goodwill the week after I found the dishes. I found a set of 4 of these juice glasses for $1.50. My mom had one or two of these, and I remember drinking juice and milk out of glasses just like these. I am sure these were small jelly jars....can you not see they look like grapes in shape? At least as a kid, that is what I thought...

So, yes, I am trying to buy back my childhood....one piece at a time....and of course, my mom has long ago gotten rid of the dishes and the glasses.....but....I have some just like them!! What about you??? Do you find things that remind you of your childhood and have to have them??? Or do you even need an excuse?

Weight Loss Journey Part 4

I want to say, this is the 4th post in a series of 6 before I bring this story to the present. All these were written at the same time. I thought about shortening these post, but this has been more for me and my being able to move forward and felt I needed to include the "all of it" in the story. I promise...soon the gloom and doom will end, and hope will begin. I hope you continue to follow along...and hope that you take something with you from reading about my own struggles. Suzanne.

Related Post:

Introduction: Here
Part one: Here
Part two : Here
Part three : Here


When the weight came back....it stayed. I thought about trying again but I did not have the energy or will power to return. I began to hate the way I looked, hate myself for being so weak and not being able to change, I hated the way I felt. It was horrible. I read every weight loss magazine there was, watched every TV program about weight loss that was guaranteed to work, however, nothing motivated me. I felt so bad mentally and physically, I just stopped trying.

If I ever felt my life had spiraled out of control before, nothing could compare to the last 2 years. The joy was gone, even food did not help. The worse part for me was I knew I had to lose weight, how could I not know it? But I knew I could not do it either. There were people in my life who would constantly comment on my weight all the time , every single time they would see me. I know they meant well...but it really made me mad. I got so sick of hearing about my weight, I finally just said, "I had given up.... it is what it is...get over it". The more someone mentioned my weight, the more I gave up..... It was horrible. No one could possibly know how bad I felt, and no amount of words whether directly, or indirectly would prompt me to make a change.

Along with the constant weight issues, I was having female problems too, each month my cycles were so bad, I'd miss work.....horrible.....my moods would swing from one end of the spectrum to another. If I was happy, it was for a fleeting moment and then it was gone....I was back being mad at the world and everyone was to blame......if you have ever experienced any of this.....Please know, I know how you feel....it is an out of control, can't get a grip...horrible feeling. And if you have experienced this for yourself, I know you feel like you are the only one who feels this way. Everyone was at fault, especially my husband, poor thing. I stayed mad at him, no matter what he did, it was not enough. I have even talked about a divorce.....life had gotten so horrible for me, I really felt like if I was on my own, alone, I would be better off...then there would be no one to blame for my unhappiness except the dog...and well....I could not see that happening.

I know some of you who have read my blog for a while, are surprised. I discovered blogging and it filled up some of the emptiness I had felt for a long time, and I truly loved it. This was a new outlet for me, I felt like I could write about what I wanted....within limits of course, and still be accepted and no one would ever know my many faults and issues and most certainly not my weight issues as long as I did not post a picture of myself...it was safe territory. I love all my online friends, and to even consider writing about what was really going on.....unimaginable. And if I might add, this has taken great courage to do so now..... So, I chose to write about the good things that happened, and avoided the sad, bad things that consumed my life. I hid this from most family and friends too, my own husband did not know how bad it was...oh, he knew it was bad....just not how bad.....

I often have wondered where I have disappeared to? What happened to the person I once was? In fact, when I would read my blog post...some days I wondered who exactly this person was....certainly not me.....I felt like two different people.....it is so hard to explain and I am sure I sound like crazy person....but honestly I felt that way, like I was seriously loosing it, day by day.

I felt so bad all the time, stressed out, mad at the world and a weight problem with which I could not get a grip .....I had no idea what to do or even how to make a change.....then one night in May of this year....I found a lump in my breast........to be continued. FRIDAY - I won't make you wait until Sunday.